BDSM: An Introduction
There are many varying degrees of the BDSM (Bondage and Discipline/Sadism and Masochism) and the Daddy/boy or Master/slave relationship. The gambit runs from the occasional one night of role playing to the very serious 24/7 (24 hours a day, 7 days a week) relationship.
BDSM is one of several general names given to a collection of behaviors that involve bondage, domination, and other activities that are done in a safe, sane, consensual, and non-abusive manner. BDSM is a form of erotic play that involves significant physical and emotional risks, and thus requires instruction in order to do so with reasonable safety.
Exploring the BDSM side of your sexuality can be as difficult as exploring any other aspect of your sexuality. For many gay men, making first contact with other gay men is a very difficult step, but a necessary one for sexual fulfillment. It is painful to feel all alone — as painful for leatherfolk as it is for "normal" homosexuals. However, homophobia can be internalized, leading to negative self-image and numerous other problems. Sometimes it leads all the way to suicide.
Fortunately, there are hundreds of leather clubs and organizations worldwide that promote a positive image of our community and lifestyle through education and community outreach. If you have questions, or just want to meet people who understand and support you for who you are, contact a group in your area. The bottom line is that we need the affirmation and support of men like ourselves. This maxim is as true for leatherfolk as it is for anyone. Perhaps even more so for gay leatherfolk, since the gay leather community exists as a minority within a minority. We are far behind the gay community in overcoming negative stereotypes and obtaining the respect we deserve.
Making first contact in the SM world, and actually admitting your deepest, most twisted, perverted, and yes, exciting fantasies to another human being is a big step. It can be a frightening one, but it is a necessary one. You might be surprised at the reception you receive. There are more of us than you think.
If you decide you want to experiment with BDSM, let us give you a word of advice. Find a mentor in your area. Make sure that person is someone you can trust. Ideally, he would be a longstanding member of the community, with both a knowledge of the technical aspects of BDSM and an understanding of the philosophical side. Develop a relationship with him. Under good tutelage, you can learn quickly and safely.
Take a risk. Play. Explore. Learn. Enjoy!
Basic Terms and Definitions Used Within Dominant/submissive Relationships
Basic living expenses means the cost of basic food, clothing and shelter.
BDSM is the abbreviation/acronym for Bondage and Discipline, and Sadomasochism or Sadism and masochism.
Bondservant is a person bound to service or servitude to another without pay or benefits for an indefinite period of time.
Boy is the person who needs, wants and desires guidance, instruction and discipline from a Daddy figure. [The word "boy" in the BDSM context does not mean a child or minor, any more than "a night out with the boys" means a children's party."]
Collar is a locking device worn around the neck, by the slave or submissive, as an instrument of ownership and control by a Master, and as a primary emblem of the slave's ownership.
Consensual an activity done with the consent of adults competent to give that consent.
Daddy is the person who is responsible for providing loving guidance, support and instruction to a boy.
Domestic Partners are two adults who have chosen to share one another's lives in an intimate and committed relationship of mutual caring.
Dominant is the person who exercises authority or influences control over a person who yields control, and, the one who decides what happens and when.
Domination is the exertion of control over another person for the erotic enjoyment of both the submissive and Dominant partners.
Family Time is time that is spent with biological family members, parents, sisters, brothers and other family relatives, whereas one of the partners may need to appear to be totally non-gay (heterosexual) and/or not involved within a BDSM Master/slave, Daddy/boy and/or a gay relationship.
Gay is a generic term applied to males that are sexually attracted to members of their own sex.
Live together means that two individuals share a common domicile and it is not necessary that the legal right to possess the domicile be in both of their names.
Masochism [from the novels and lifestyle of Leopold Von Sacher-Masoch, 1836–1895] is the getting of sexual pleasure from being Dominated, mistreated or the getting of pleasure from suffering physical or psychological pain inflicted by others. [masochism is often referred to as receiving pain for pleasure.]
Masochist is a person who experiences sexual excitement, gratification or pleasure from receiving physical or psychological pain, abused, humiliation or mistreatment.
Master is the person who has been given the right of ownership, control, authority and power over a slave, and, is the one who assumes total control and responsibility over the slave or submissive partner.
Ownership is "the right to use or deal with some given subject in a manner, or to an extent, which, though it is not unlimited, is indefinite" — Jurisprudence, 1832.
Property is something or someone regarded as being possessed by, or at the disposal of, another person.
Relationship is the consensual commitment and devotion, by two adults, to the quality or state of being within a passionate, intimate and loving union without the formal or legal state of marriage or wedlock, but with the rights and obligations of a state of marriage.
Sadism [from the life and writings of the Marquis de Sade, 1740–1814] is the getting of sexual pleasure from Dominating and/or the getting of pleasure from inflicting physical or psychological pain on another. [Sadism is often referred to as the giving of pain for pleasure.]
Sadomasochism is a condition in which Sadism and masochism coexist within a relationship; where the use of psychological Dominance and submission, and/or physical bondage, and/or pain, and/or related practices are employed in a safe, consensual manner in order for the participants to experience erotic arousal and/or sexual pleasure.
Sadist is a person who experiences sexual excitement, gratification or pleasure by inflicting/dispensing erotic pain on someone who is aroused by it and who consents to it.
Safe Word are specific words, verbal, or other signals, non-verbal, agreed to by both the Dominant and submissive partners, to be used during a BDSM or sexual encounter or activity, in the event of an emergency and/or to indicate the activity has become or is becoming to intense, physically, mentally or sexually, and are chosen to be different from any word, or words, or signal likely to be used in the context of the encounter or activity.
Slave is the person who is willing owned as property by a Master and is absolutely subject to the Masters will; bondservant divested of all freedom and personal rights.
Submission is the release of control over oneself, to whatever extent, for the erotic pleasure of both the Dominant and submissive partners.
Submissive is the person who yields control, and who obeys orders, and/or directions, and will permit themselves to be bound, or tortured, if doing so pleases their Dominant partner.
A Few Words About Master/slave Relationships
Let me start by saying that this type of relationship isn't for everybody. Many people view the Master/slave relationship as the ultimate in Dominance and submission, and they want very much to live it because of its extremity. Unfortunately, very few people are truly suited for the Master/slave lifestyle — including many who pursue it. Most men who self-identify as slaves don't really want to live that way all the time. It can be an intense fantasy or a great weekend scene, but living as a slave (or as a Master) full-time takes an incredible amount of dedication. This level of dedication is not often found.
With that said, I must also say that there are many people for whom the Master/slave relationship truly is ideal. If you are one of these, you must be true to yourself. There is a lot of controversy about the Master/slave relationship. To see how much, just check out some of the Yahoo eGroups or IRC (Internet Relay Chat) BDSM chat rooms. At any time, there are usually several combative conversations (can you say flame kiddies?) going on about whether or not a given couple are real Masters or real slaves.
Some say that Master/slave relationships require TPE — Total Power Exchange. In other words, the kind of enforced slavery where consent, when given, is non-retractable. A slave, once enslaved, cannot leave. They say that if the slave leaves the relationship, it was never truly TPE because a true slave cannot leave his enslavement.
These arguments are much ado about nothing. A Master/slave relationship requires only the honestly and sincerely felt desires of the participants. And, if both parties (the Master and the slave) can give 100% to the relationship, it can and will work.
NOTE: A Daddy/boy BDSM relationship is similar to Master/slave, except that there is more affection involved. Also, a boy can be somewhat more assertive, and may have more privileges than a slave.