First Contact

We all want love, but if we'd only practice the common sense rules that our parents should have taught us. Just because it's sex doesn't mean that one can dispense with reason or with manners. In any case, here's what you should have already learned, since there are a number of unscrupulous would-be Tops/Masters and bottoms/slaves out there:

  1. You're peers (regardless of the intended role, i.e. Top/Master or bottom/slave) until you make a commitment. I don't care how much of a slave you want to be, you and your prospective partners are equals in every sense of the word. He has no control over your actions until you have made a rational decision to give him control. If they insist on an action you have every right to say "No." If they assert authority, either from the top or the bottom, you have every right to reject it. Prior to commitment, neither of you is Top/Master or bottom/slave. Top/Master and bottom/slave has to do with sex, not with negotiation.

  2. Ask for references. I mean it. Tell your prospect playmate you want names and phone numbers of people whom you can call to verify his or her play-worthiness. If a stranger has no references, he's too strange to play with.

  3. Safe, sane and consensual is a mutual obligation. A friend once went home from a scene with a left wrist that was numb and it stayed numb for several days. In a macho moment he failed to tell the Top/Master that the wrist-restraints were constricting the flow of blood to his hands. One might say that the Top/Master should have checked but he didn't. And, my friend was just as much at fault for not making the Top/Master aware of the situation.

    NOTE: If one partner attempts to have unsafe sex, for instance, the other, even if he is as slavish as they come, has the right, even the responsibility, to refuse to participate.

  4. You have a right to know some things. You're going to be spending time with this person and, if things work out, entering into a long term relationship, even if it is only as friends or just playmates. The amount of information allowed is based on the level of negotiations. Early on, you need less information. Later, as you come closer to meeting, more is appropriate. Sometime before moving in, a lot of information, and I mean a lot, is perfectly acceptable. Otherwise, get to know each other very well before you have regrets over your actions or decisions.

    So early on, you ought to know the person's name and phone number. If they withhold such details, end the conversation, or at least make it clear that you will never meet. People who hide their identities are doing it for reasons that make meeting them unwise.

    I know there are lots of guys out there cheating on their significant others or so far in the closet that they're behind the back wall. I'm not for outing others but I am for HONESTY. Face it, those who can't even tell you their name and give you a phone number where you can reach them have some very serious issues that ought to be resolved before you get involved with them.

    Once you get past the name, topics such as health and limits become important! Especially if you ever want to get into a sexual encounter.

    Really though, limits are limits and as such aren't anywhere near as important as the trust factor. After all, setting limits has no meaning whatsoever if you can't trust that your playmate will stay within those limits. Just because a person says they're "safe, sane, and consensual" is no reason to think that they are. Getting to know them as an individual is a much better indication of how trustworthy they are.

    If they say they're "safe, sane, and consensual", ask them what it means. How well they explain themselves will tell you a great deal.

    If, after you get past the easy questions, you think that the conversation is going someplace, you ought to begin thinking about the hard questions. Information about family ties, income, career, and the future, both long-term and near, is important if this is going to be more than just a one night or weekend encounter.

    I will agree that you don't need to see a person's personal balance sheet before you have sex with them, but you certainly should have some idea of what it looks like before you, as a slave, turn your assets over to them or, as a Master, you take responsibility for their livelihood. I think the point is made.

  5. No commitment is immutable. This is the hard one. Once upon a time (or so we think) people made commitments "until death do us part." Any genealogist will tell you, though, that those commitments were ended much more often and a lot sooner than any priest is about to admit. Sure there were fewer divorces 100 years ago, but there were a great many more marriages ended by early death or straight out desertion.

    People change. People will always change. As each of us changes we need to be conscious of our need to redefine our relationships in appropriate terms. I would like to emphasize that those changes can be for the better.

    I am writing this "rule" mostly for those who think that what they promised in the blush of early infatuation will hold forever. It won't, since it may no longer be appropriate two or three years later. Slaves who think they have no choice once they become a "slave" are sadly mistaken. Every morning each of us decides how we will live that day. A slave isn't a slave in the strict sense of the term. He is in a condition of voluntary servitude. No amount of will exercised by either party in such a relationship can ever eliminate the voluntary part of the relationship.

  6. You have a right to equality of information. What that stranger asks you, you have every right to ask him. It's the power freaks of the world who want to control you by keeping you in the dark. I'll grant you that there are many people and institutions that are run by the mushroom model of management (Keep them in the dark and feed them horse shit.) but that is no way to conduct a relationship — especially a BDSM relationship!

  7. You cannot abrogate your personal responsibilities. I don't care how submissive you are. The preceding sentence is always true and it applies to both Tops/Masters and bottoms/slaves. Just because a Top/Master or bottom/slave says it's all right doesn't make it so.

  8. Neutral spaces are always acceptable. Let that first meeting with a stranger be well protected by a public venue. Meet for coffee or buy him a drink at a local bar. Parks, libraries, and shopping malls are all places to meet, greet, and size each other up.

If your relationship is going to go anywhere, you don't have to rush into it. Take your time, go easy, and have fun. After all, it's OK to talk to strangers, even to take candy from them. Just use some common sense when you do.

The points listed below relate to any first time meeting between a Top/Master and a bottom/slave and how things should interact and be carried out. I admit that this is my personal opinion and opinions of others may be different. However, this is based on my vast years of experience (school of hard knocks) and how I have seen things played out. Always take things at a pace you are comfortable with and be cautious.

The primary "rule" is: STOP AND THINK BEFORE YOU LEAP OR ACT.

Slave Safety — advice from one slave to his brothers:

  1. Until you agree to submit, you are in control of what you do. Every Man you come across who says He is a Master deserves appropriate respect and deference. But simply because He says He is a Master does not mean you owe Him submission. Your submission is a gift. You choose Who to give it to. And until you choose to give it to a Man, you remain in control and should exercise that control — but always with respect and deference.

  2. Never meet a Master for a session of service or s/m play before first meeting to talk. Remember what they say about bars? That the closer to closing time it gets, the better everyone looks? Keep this in mind also when you're online. Everyone can look good online. Everyone can say the right things, type the proper words. Enjoy cyber — but know it is only cyber until you meet.

    If you have spent extensive time with Him online or on the phone and feel okay with Him, you might consider that to be the meeting. But it still remains best to meet first in person — preferably in a neutral place, like a restaurant. Show Him respect and deference, but until you choose to submit, you remain in control of yourself even if you are at His place. Until you choose to give Him this control, His requests for you to undress, sit on the floor, or whatever, no matter the tone in His voice, are merely requests, not orders, until you accept them as such.

  3. It is best not to plan or expect a session at this first meeting. Let it be just a meeting to find out if the two of you click and want to continue. This is a good test of the sincerity of the Master. Almost all will tell you They want an ongoing thing. If this is true, and if They really want you, then there is no hurry. You can meet first...and plan to have the session the next day, if you want.

  4. Be totally and completely honest with potential Masters about what you seek, what your experience level is, what you fear, what you crave, and what your limits are. Your ego and your desire to not disappoint a potential Master may make you want to exaggerate. But it does no one any good if you tell a Master you can take a bullwhip when you have never even been flogged hard.

    A good Master is not as concerned with how intensely you can play as with whether you genuinely want to play. Good Masters are looking for reactions and potential for growth. If They get a good reaction out of a slow, light flogging, They are as satisfied as when They get a good reaction out of a full-force bullwhipping. Well, maybe not as satisfied, but satisfied enough!

    And never say you can take anything. You may find your forehead branded before the night is out.

  5. Be totally honest with yourself about what you seek. There is an undercurrent in the leather community that a hierarchy exists among submissives. According to this "common wisdom," it is better to be 24/7 than part time, it is better to be a slave than a boy, and so on. Don't fall into this trap.

    What is best for you is whatever meets your specific desires and needs. To be a man who submits only in sessions because this is all he needs is as valid and as good as being a man who submits to the complete control of a Master on a 24/7 basis because that is what he needs. Don't let anyone, fellow submissive or Master, try to make you into something you do not need or want to be.

  6. Follow your gut feeling about the Master. Even if your head cannot come up with specific reasons not to trust the Man, if your gut is sending up any sort of red flags, listen to it. If you find you are talking yourself into submission to a specific Master, then He is not the One for you. At the same time, learn to recognize the difference between fear of giving up control, which is good and exciting, and uncertainty about a particular Man's trustworthiness. Most of the Men you meet will be trustworthy and not a problem. But a few will not be.

  7. When you meet with the Master, do as much interviewing as He does — but do it respectfully, of course. What are you trying to find out about Him? Several things. Does He respect you as a man? Does He respect you as a slave? Will He respect your limits? Does He understand your level of experience, and will He work with it? Does He have experience or skills in the type of activity He wants to do, or is He just off on some fantasy trip? Do you like this Man as a person?

    And, not unimportant, do you find this Man attractive either physically, personally, or because He has something to teach You? (Not every Master has to be a physical fantasy trip. Some may not be but are still well worth submitting to because you will learn a lot and They can give you exactly what you need.)

  8. One major thing to look for is whether the Master is concerned about your needs and desires, about what you want to get out of this. If there is little discussion about your needs — if all the talk is about His needs — He is probably not the Man you want for a long-term situation, though He may be great for a quick session focused totally and completely on His desires. If you pick a Man like this to submit to, realize that you will probably need to take care of your own emotional and physical satisfaction. He is not going to give it to you.

  9. Never go to a first meeting or session (or even a second or third) thinking that this Master may be good for a long-term relationship or for total control outside of when You are together. You are very likely to find yourself hurt and disappointed if you do. Full or 24/7 control develops over a long period of time — it is not created out of thin air.

  10. When considering a Master for long-term or total control outside of sessions, look at the total Man. You are going to spend a lot of time with this Man outside of sessions. Do you like Him that much? Can you deal with all His idiosyncrasies, bad habits, insecurities, and personal baggage on a continuing basis? And if you think He doesn't have any of that stuff, then you have just not seen it. And if you have not seen it, then you do not know Him well enough for such a commitment.

  11. Limits. Have two sets: temporary ones, which you decide when to lift, and permanent ones, which always remain in place. You need to decide what belongs in each set. To help you understand the difference, here are the limits i used to use — and still do if my Master wants me to hunt for outside experiences:

    Permanent — Safe sex. No scat. No blood. No drugs. Nothing illegal. No permanent damage physically, professionally, personally, or emotionally.

    Temporary — Meet first. No total bondage; either legs or arms must be free at all times. (Yes, I want to be able to kick Him in the balls if I need to — or fight back some other way.) No blindfolds. No gags. Safeword. (We'll talk about safewords below.)

    You are the one who drops these temporary limits — one at a time or all together — as you get comfortable and feel you can trust the Man. You may even decide to drop them in the first session. But use your head, and listen to your gut, in deciding when to drop them, not your cock. If you are still not comfortable enough by the third session with a Master to drop any of your temporary limits, you probably don't trust Him enough and shouldn't see Him again.

    (Having said all this, i must add that all limits, even permanent ones, go away if you are owned — and owned for a long time! Once the trust is total, there is no need for any limits. But you still choose when the permanent ones go away, not your Master.)

  12. Try to get references on a particular Master before you commit to any sort of a session. Leather clubs and organizations are good for this, as are friends and people you talk to online. A good reference from another bottom is better than any sort of assurance from the Master Himself.

    What to do if you get a bad reference? Don't automatically reject the Master. Find out why the reference is bad. It could easily be that the two men simply did not click, or that the Master's interests did not correspond with the slave's. This can happen between any two men and is not a sign that either one is untrustworthy or bad in some way. A disregard for safewords, however, or otherwise ignoring limits are good reasons to call it off.

  13. When you have your first session with a Master, no matter how well you think you have gotten to know Him, you need to protect yourself in case you have made a bad judgment call. There are many ways to do this. One of the most common is to tell a friend where you are going, the Master's name, and the address and phone number of where you will be, assuming you have these. Give your friend a time when you will call him to verify that you are okay. Tell him that if he does not hear from you by that time, he should take action to find you.

    Make sure, though, that you give enough leeway in the timing so that the Master does not have cops knocking down His door because you thought the session would end at midnight and He was just getting going at that point! Also, make sure you do call the friend if you are all right, even if it is from the Master's home. Let the Master know you have made this arrangement and when your friend is expecting to hear from you. A good Master will not be offended and will make sure you can place the call.

  14. Safewords. Everyone talks about them. Almost every Master says He will respect them. But do not assume that because a Man says He will respect them that He will do so in the heat of a session. Respecting safewords is an easy promise to make — and an even easier one to break. Accepting a Master's assurance that He will respect a safeword is like assuming the white line in the street will automatically stop every car the moment you walk into the crosswalk. Most Masters do respect safewords, but some do not. Build some trust in a Master first before accepting His assurances at face value.

    Here's a test you can use in the first couple of sessions. When you're in a difficult position or undergoing some heavy action, make noises indicating it is getting very hard to take and that you need something changed. See what He does. An immediate response from Him is not necessary — He may want to see how far you can go. But a timely response to your distress should be forthcoming. If it is not, don't assume He will listen to a safe word.

  15. When you are talking with a Master online or meeting Him in a bar or elsewhere for the first time, know that you are both doing a seduction dance with each other. And if you both play your roles correctly, you will both get turned on.

    Being seduced and turned on is a good thing, but recognize it for what it is. You are both looking for the buttons that the other reacts to, and once you find them, you are both pushing them to get the reactions you want — He in taking control and you in submitting. But seduction is not real life, just a part of it. Wait until you get to know the Man in real life before deciding He is the One you really want to submit to.

  16. Play the field. You'll need to kiss a lot of frogs before finding your Prince. One mistake many slaves — especially those who are just "coming out" — make is to jump into serving a single Master exclusively and totally before they have figured out what it is they want and need. Resist this temptation, no matter how hard your dick gets or how fast your heart beats when you first hear a Master speak the words you have only heard in your fantasies before.

    Any Master worth His salt is going to be able to get you excited and eager to serve. That doesn't necessarily mean He is the one to latch onto full time. It just means that while You were together, you clicked. Get lots of experience. Compare the styles and characters of many Masters. Learn from each of them. Learn about Masters and, more important, about yourself and what it is you really seek from your submission. Once you have learned enough, especially about your own needs, then you can consider Someone as a full-time Master.

  17. Recognize that a Master without a boy is often as desperate as a boy without a Master. They, too, are human, and They like to have someone They can depend on to play with and be with anytime They want. Plus, Masters generally have good-size egos and like to be able to impress other Masters by saying, "I own a boy" — or more than one.

    Because of this, you may get a lot of pressure to make a full-time commitment or to go into full-time training at an early stage of your acquaintance with a Master. Resist this. Do not do it until you are sure that He is the Man you want in this role. Indeed, one sign of a really good Master is that He may offer you a position with Him without pressuring you in any way to make a quick decision. Such a Man understands how tentative and unsure of themselves many unowned slaves are and has enough confidence in Himself not to need a trophy.

  18. Do not assume that in the early stages of getting to know a Master that He will feel the same toward you as you feel toward Him. It is very hard for a male to open himself up and become vulnerable to someone else, but this is exactly what we slaves do when we submit to a Master. Doing so provides an amazing sense of relief and satisfaction, and we feel a strong bond with the Man Who has seen us become so open and vulnerable. We feel close to Him and want to be with Him.

    But, at least in an early session, the Master does not do the same: He does not lay Himself bare to you just because He plays with you. While He may like you, may have enjoyed the session, and may want to see you again, don't assume He is feeling the same strong bond with you that you feel with Him. Over time, if you and He develop an ongoing relationship, He will feel this way. But not at first.

  19. Do not mistake this bond you are feeling for love. This is why so many slaves decide, after only a couple of weeks, that they have found the Master they have sought for so long. Then they are hurt and disappointed when, a few weeks later, it doesn't work out. Don't make this mistake.

    Since it is seldom that any of us experience real love in life, we may not know what love really feels like even though we seek it so desperately. As noted above, once you have laid yourself bare in a session, given that much control and submission to another Man, you are going to feel very close to Him. But this is not love. It is simply openness and a bond beginning to form. Enjoy the bond. But remember that real love means you know the Man well — not just the Master but the whole Man — and that you accept Him for what He is, warts and all.

  20. Finally, remember that this is all supposed to be fun and satisfying. If it is not, if you find that the Master is causing you to be upset, worried, guilty, whatever — if you are not having fun or being satisfied — then don't play with Him. Find someone else. Too many boys take this all much too seriously and never really enjoy the hunt, never really enjoy the sex, never really enjoy the submission, never really enjoy being conquered by a Master, never really enjoy any of it. They work too hard and are too desperate.

Go out, enjoy, and have fun. It's the only reason to do this.